Dear We Are Teachers,
I’ve read your column for a while now, and I always wondered if I would have my own advice column question to write. Well, I do now! My student teacher confessed to me early in the semester that she thought one of our math teachers was cute, but I figured it was just an innocent crush. I made sure to tell her he is married, but she assured me she was just making an observation. Well, last Friday, she told me they’ve been dating for months now. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say. What on earth do I do with this information?
—Receiving the Tea
Dear R.T.T.,
*phew* This is one DOOZY of a question!
First, I’ll speak on a professional level. I wouldn’t do anything unless someone is unsafe or breaking their contract. If that is the case, I would report it to my admin immediately and encourage the student teacher to do the same.
If everyone is generally safe and within their contracts, I would stay out of it. While this situation demonstrates a lack of judgment from multiple people, you are not one of them. You discouraged the student teacher and said he was married. You have done your duty. This situation blurs the personal and professional lines in ways that may not end well. Distance yourself from the messiness.
I would also tell the student teacher that gossiping about the love life of another teacher—especially when she is involved—is unprofessional. I’d draw a boundary that, while she is an adult who can do what she likes, you do not want to hear about this situation. This boundary is to protect yourself and to protect your coworker. Depending on your relationship with the student teacher, it might be good to remind her the choices she makes and the information she shares shape her reputation in any workplace.
This advice, of course, also goes for the math teacher, but whether you share that with him depends on your relationship. If he’s a friend, I’d approach this situation like you might if you found out any friend was cheating. How you react is based mainly on your own moral code and is a bit outside the scope of my teacher purview (The New York Times’ Ethicist speaks to this a few times if you want some guidance).
Either way, your shock is understandable. While this situation is shocking, it’s not your job to guide the moral and romantic choices of a student teacher. The best you can do is provide some guidance and ensure you protect your peace. While the tea can be delicious, it can also be scalding. Sometimes, it’s best to set it down and walk away.
Good luck! I believe in you (and I wouldn’t mind an update!).
Dear We Are Teachers,
I’m in the final stretch of my time as a teacher at a workplace that has brought both valuable experience and difficult challenges. I’ve worked hard to stay professional and student-centered, but I’ve also had to navigate some toxic dynamics: lack of support, shifting expectations, and colleagues who weren’t always collaborative. Now that I’m leaving, I’m torn. There’s a part of me that wants to be honest with leadership about these issues—not out of spite but because I believe that silence can enable toxic patterns. At the same time, I still need a recommendation from this place, and I know that speaking out could backfire professionally. Should I say something or try to protect my reputation after I’m gone?
—Speak Up or Stay Silent
Dear S.U.O.S.S.,
Congratulations on wrapping up this chapter of your career. I hope your future holds something joyful!
This situation is a tough one. If the information you’re sitting on is not dire—no one is being actively harmed, and students are safe and mostly well treated—I’d wait. By waiting, you can secure your recommendation and stability as you move forward. It sounds like you possibly raised issues when they came up, and things have not changed. So, sharing your thoughts isn’t particularly time-sensitive.
Once you have a new position lined up or know your next steps, whether you speak up is largely dependent on your compass. On the one hand, sharing your opinion gives your administration some valuable perspective; it might also feel cathartic. It may also, though, raise some more negative or confrontational feelings you’d have to manage. On the other hand, you could stay quiet, which would facilitate an easier exit. That may leave you feeling frustrated or regretful, though.
Sometimes, picturing outcomes helps me make a choice. Take a quiet moment to picture yourself walking out of the school on your last day there. What needs to happen for you to feel contented about wrapping up your chapter there? What will help you feel, in your gut, like your departure is generally fulfilling?
If you do decide to say something, approach it thoughtfully and with the spirit of improvement. You’re not trying to burn bridges on your way out; you want this community you were a part of to be its best. This guide on providing feedback, while for teachers, works for administrators as well.
Good luck, and I believe in you!
Dear We Are Teachers,
A parent gave their 5th grade student my phone number. I have blocked them, but the student texted me multiple times. How should I address this?
—Don’t Call Me Maybe
Dear D.C.M.M.,
Any situation in which you feel your privacy and boundaries are being violated doesn’t feel good. I’m sorry this happened.
I assume you’re comfortable with parents having your personal phone number. For what it’s worth, the schools and teachers I’ve worked with generally don’t recommend that, as it can create uncomfortable situations (like this incident). That said, I also know that you may have a personal friendship with the parents, or this is more common in specific communities.
I just want to note for readers that if you do NOT want parents or families to have your phone number, you don’t need to share it (here are some ways to call without divulging your personal number).
Now, regarding your situation, I would tell your administration immediately. Because this is a child texting and not an adult, you want to save yourself any concern about the nature of the text messages. A child may not always handle the conversation in ways we expect. So, be transparent with your administrators: The parent gave the student the number, the student has been texting, and they have not responded to requests to stop or to being blocked. Your administration should advise you on the next steps, which also hopefully involve conversations with the parent and student.
I’m not saying to go to administration because I think the student should be in trouble. They’re a kid reaching out (welcomed or not). But they also need to learn healthy boundaries to keep them safe too. Your administration can support that discussion and also act as a witness moving forward in case the student or parents react poorly. Either way, you want to be transparent as soon as possible. Good luck, and I believe in you!
Do you have a burning question? Email us at askweareteachers@weareteachers.com.
Dear We Are Teachers,
I’m part of a new teacher cohort that started together this year at my school, all teaching 9th grade. One of the teachers in my cohort is weirdly friendly with students. She has organized several group dinners and group hangouts with students—all at public locations or restaurants, but still. Plus, when our cohort gets together, she tells us all kinds of gossip the students tell her. It all makes me feel uncomfortable, but I can’t decide if this is normal and I’m overreacting or if this is inappropriate for a teacher. What do you think?
—Act Your Age