In today’s world, social media gas-lighting and primal cynics deceptively pull power from others, making us wonder how students can wade through the weeds and come out successful on the other end.
This challenge can and should matter to educators and parents. Here’s how to change the dynamic of the people who try to take others down, especially children . . . .
Remember in middle school the looks, the whispers, and the low expectations that hung over you like a fog? As a kid, this makes us feel vulnerable.
One approach we can teach kids enables them to transform those low expectations into a great advantage. The Pygmalion effect study demonstrates evidence that when educators maintain high expectations, students internalize that belief and rise to meet it.
Consider how doubters and shouters play: they link an external locus of control, blaming outside forces. We see this online everywhere–they shout at others and feel empowered by blaming everything, and everyone else.
We can help children exposed to this with time-tested evidence of how to take back control, and more importantly, to thrive. It is a philosophy that when properly taught can shift self-fulfilling prophecy and silence the doubters.
The Power of Proximity
I wrote about this in a post recently when second guessing reminded me of what works for learners:
“When a doubter is in the room, I sit close by. When they make a frown, I smile. And when they try to intimidate me, I sit even closer.”
It is human nature when faced with a critic or bully, our primal instincts are to fight, flight or freeze. We want to put as much distance as possible between us and the person who makes us feel small. This is also the exact opposite way to thrive as a learner.
The message we can teach children must be that when they shy away from a doubter, they validate the doubter’s power over us. We signal that their opinion matters enough to influence us. But when you pull up a chair and sit right next to them, you start to disrupt the dynamic. You show them that you are comfortable in your own skin, regardless of what they think, and more importantly what you think.
An example of how I teach children this is like when my own daughters asked me, “In a room with two difficult people, who do you sit next to?” My answer: “Whoever is most difficult.”
This isn’t about confrontation. It’s about presence, and occupying space in which the doubter thinks you don’t belong. When they frown and you smile back, you aren’t just modeling ethical behavior, you are refusing to let their negative energy dictate your right to be present and be you. Students who learn this skill are maintaining their zone of indifference to toxicity while preserving their dignity and well-being.
The Element of Surprise
I was a special educator. When I got to teach children that there is an advantage to being underestimated, I would demonstrate to them how they have a surprising advantage. Doubters think they are better. This is the nexus where the element of surprise thrives: when I outwork them and don’t blame setbacks on something else, I catch them completely off guard. You can imagine how deeply satisfying this is.
When others expect a child to be inferior, they aren’t prepared for the hard-working underdog. What perpetuates this advantage is when they refuse to blame external sources, such as we see so often happens on social media today. Instead, they accept the hand of cards they were dealt, and work hard within their incredible potential–and every child, every underdog has incredible potential.
When students learn to develop compensation strategies—such as unconventional problem-solving or sheer persistence—a competitive edge over those with traditional advantages is often overlooked. It offers a wonderful, unseen opportunity for the underdog, and feels tremendously empowering..
Students with learning challenges navigate their gaps, showing how they use specific compensatory supports to succeed. These strategies include meta-cognition, self-advocacy, and individualized planning to overcome low institutional expectations.
Struggles faced by students, such as David against Goliath, provide for resilience and unconventional strengths that serve as a hidden advantage against challenges. So a weakness becomes a strength.
When the doubter assumes they are better, they get complacent. Meanwhile, the student who harnesses internal locus of control is in the trenches, grinding. They are stacking up micro-wins—small, consistent victories that are subtle, until they compound into something undeniable. When students become so good they can’t ignore you, they feel a deep sense of appreciation and the victories keep piling up. This is a perpetual cycle we want children to be situated in, not all the time, but enough to want more.
Students discover that while doubters are busy looking down on them, they are busy outworking them. The student who embraces their internal locus of control isn’t wasting energy complaining about the unfairness of the situation or blaming a lack of resources. They are simply doing the work.
A Message to the Kids
To the students, the kids, and anyone currently feeling the weight of someone else’s doubt: Lean hard into that advantage.
Don’t try to argue them out of their opinion. Don’t waste your time (and remember it is YOUR time) defending yourself. Let them doubt. Let them think you’re out of your league. It only makes it easier for you to blindside them with your success later.
While doubters run their race, students who learn this are running their own race based on outworking them. They are looking at you; you are looking at the finish line. Students transform their doubters into the ultimate fuel and prove that the greatest victory comes from turning that negative energy into positive motivation.
Smile at them. Sit close. And get back to work.